September 1, 2018. Chicago, Illinois. The Sears Centre Arena. There are 10,400 indie wrestling fanatics in attendance, the biggest crowd for an American wrestling event not booked by WCW or WWF since the early 1990s. The event: “All In”; which seems to be an absolutely perfect title (RIP Curt Hennig). It encompasses, in a manner of speaking, the way in which many of the major disparate and independent wrestling companies came together for this “super-show”, as well as the nature of the things they would throw onto the card. Indeed, both good and bad were “all in”.
The show was booked, whatever that means in wrestling circles these days, by Cody Rhodes and Matt & Nick Jackson, aka The Young Bucks, all three of whom pulled double duty this evening as wrestlers. When tickets went on sale, they sold out in thirty minutes (the venue holds nearly 12,000 patrons, but the entrance ramp setup blocks out a section of seating). It brought together athletes from ROH, Impact, CMLL, the resurgent NWA, and the not-so-indie New Japan Pro Wrestling. The idea was simple: give fans of independent wrestling (see: any wrestling company that is not owned by Vince McMahon) a night of dream match-ups and generate some interest and money for all the parties involved.
This is how it turned out.
I experienced a great deal of audio-visual issues during the opening match. I do not think it was the fault of ROH, the promotion under whose banner the event ultimately flew. There was either full sound and a shoddy picture, or a pristine display accompanied by choppy audio. It took me until the conclusion of the opening bout to figure out that I needed to switch rooms and devices to experience the event without issues. Once I figured that out, we were off and running…
Madison Rayne v. “Hot Mess” Chelsea Green v. Tessa Blanchard v. Dr. Britt Baker
Britt Baker is apparently a dentist. I figured this out when her entrance video displayed a dental x-ray of a person getting their teeth kicked out. Then she came to the ring in what I can best describe as a bedazzled dentist’s outfit. This is already a million times better than Isaac Yankem’s gimmick. It is safe to say this is the best dentist gimmick in the history of pro wrestling. Chelsea Green entered the ring with half of her face covered in smeared makeup, carrying a bouquet of flowers, wearing half a wedding veil. The same side of her body that had the smeared makeup and veil was also adorned in white. The other half of her attire was, reminiscent of Two-Face, green and pink, while her visage was made into a perfectly reasonable amount of well-applied makeup. Chelsea Green is a very pretty girl, and it took me about half the match to realize that she was going for a “Two-Face” vibe. Believe it or not, it wouldn’t be even close to the last time the split-personality angle was explored by a wrestler this evening. Tessa Blanchard came down the ramp and was greeted by her father, the legendary Horseman, WWE Hall of Famer, Tully Blanchard, and Magnum T.Ahey…Wait just a minute! Why are Tully Blanchard and Magnum T.A. hanging out, hugging? T.A. once tried to take Blanchard’s eye out with a broken chair leg!
During the match, it became clear to me why Madison Rayne, who has been in the business for at least a decade, has never been interesting or broken through to the next level. It’s because she’s not very good. Everything about her is exceptionally mediocre. Tessa Blanchard would clearly destroy fellow Horseman’s daughter Charlotte Flair, were they ever to meet in the ring. In fact, Tessa should make it her mission in life to call Charlotte out whenever she can. She should give no regard to the fact that Charlotte works for Vince McMahon, Tessa should verbally attack Charlotte whenever the opportunity arises. If Big Poppa Pump can attack The Rock and Steve Austin across the airwaves on WCW Television, Tessa Blanchard should do the same. Tessa should demand to know why Charlotte is going around calling Bayley, Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch and herself the Four Horsewomen, when we all know that Blanchards and Flairs would never be caught keeping company with those lesser athletes. If Charlotte insists on continuing this charade, Tessa will be forced to come after not only her three little friends, but Charlotte as well. Anyway, Tessa won after hitting Green with a hammerlock DDT, and then all four girls stood around and did some more hugging. Despite the mutual respect, this was a decent little match.
DUDE! That was Sean Mooney!
Cody Rhodes v. Nick Aldis (NWA World Heavyweight Championship Match)
Third match on the card!?
A video package is shown that is supposed to inform us how Cody and Aldis got to this point, but really all it does is show them talking. Thing is, there is music playing over the video, so we can’t hear what they are saying. It does nothing to explain the back story between the two.
Cody’s music hits. Brandi Rhodes, his beautiful wife, is the first to hit the ramp, dressed in essentially the same outfit Britney Spears wore in the “Toxic” video. She looks great. The camera cuts backstage, and Cody is shown walking towards the entranceway, flanked by an entourage that includes Tommy Dreamer and Diamond Dallas Page. Hey, that’s pretty cool! The whole thing feels very MMA, and it lends to the big fight feel of the affair. Aldis’ entrance is treated the same way, although he has no female to precede him, and he is flanked by “Double J” Jeff Jarrett and… Daivari?
The crowd is electric as the two shake hands before the bell rings. Announcer Don Callis explains why Aldis’ tights say “dealer” on the back. To paraphrase:
Back in December of 2017, Cody Rhodes failed to defeat then-ROH World Champion Dalton Castle for his belt. Rhodes had been demanding a match against Aldis for the latter’s NWA championship, a title that was held by Rhodes’ father, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, on three occasions. Aldis responded that he would only defend his NWA Championship against Rhodes if he succeeded against Castle. Rhodes, in an act of desperation, offered to put his $10,000 Ring of Honor ring (as in, jewelery) up as collateral if Aldis would give him a title shot. Cody was the “gambler”. Aldis, ever confident, believed he was playing with house money, and hence was the “dealer”. This is great stuff.
Cody is sporting a weightlifting belt emblazoned with the words “Do The Work”. The word “do” is colored with black and yellow polka dots, a tribute to Rhodes’ late father. “The” is simply gold lettering, a shout-out to Goldust, Cody’s brother. “Work” is red, white, and blue, a reference to Cody’s nickname, “The American Nightmare”.
The urgency with which Rhodes is chasing the title, yearning to follow in his father’s footsteps, is palpable. However, just over 9 minutes in, referee Earl Hebner stops the match and raises the universal “X over the head” hand signal that means one combatant is seriously hurt and help is required. DDP comes back down to ringside to help Cody get back in the ring and continue. Daivari, on behalf of Aldis, also returns to ringside, and attempts to cajole DDP into throwing in the towel on Rhodes’ behalf. DDP serves up a diamond cutter to Daivari, and the crowd pops mightily. Rhodes is spurred on to continue, and the match proceeds.
I’ve never been a huge fan of the “holy shit!” chants you hear at almost every wrestling event these days. We’ve seen people get put through tables so many times that I’m more likely to be impressed by a match that doesn’t feature such a spot. Chair shots are soooo 1989. I’ve always felt that if the crowd has it in them to muster up a chant, then they aren’t paying attention to the match. However, this match featured a moment that was truly worthy of a “holy shit!” In fact, that’s precisely what I wailed at my television set when I saw what I’m about to describe.
Aldis was climbing to the top rope to drop an elbow on Rhodes. As Aldis climbed, Brandi entered the ring to plead with her husband’s opponent to show mercy. Just as Aldis reached the top and jumped, Brandi threw herself on her husband’s prone figure and received the blow from Aldis. Holy shit, indeed.
In typical Hebner fashion, the match continued. Horrible officiating.
Miraculously, Cody would get the pinfall on Aldis at 20:45. New NWA World Heavyweight Champ! A great match. Everything that is good about pro wrestling was on display in this match. Things were about swing very hard in the opposite direction.
Joey Janella v. “Hangman” Adam Page
Blech. A no-holds-barred, falls count anywhere match. The IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) loves this stuff. I cannot stand it. However, the silly displays of jumping off ladders and literal cracker barrels rolling at people (Cracker Barrel was a sponsor of the event) were nothing compared to the absolute debacle that came before and after the match. As great as Aldis/Rhodes was, this whole match, from beginning to end, was that bad.
Another video package was shown prior to this match. I didn’t really understand what was going on in this one, either, but it wasn’t because of an obnoxious musical overdub. It was because what I was witnessing was some of the most nonsensical, mindless, asinine, stupid shit I’ve ever seen. Take the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard or done and try explaining it to lobster. You’d have to be twice as dumb as the lobster to understand what the hell was going on in this vignette. Dumber still to appreciate it.
Apparently, Adam Page “killed” Joey Ryan by bludgeoning him with a rotary phone. As revenge, Joey Ryan’s spirit inhabited Adam Page’s cowboy boots and proceeded to “haunt” him. Adam Page admitted to police that he murdered Joey Ryan and began calling himself “The Joey Killer”. That actually sounds cooler than it was, trust me.
So that’s where Joey Janella comes in, I guess. Here is some good news. Joey Janella’s valet, Penelope Ford, seems like a very lovely lady. She has nice eyes.
This debacle goes on for far too long until the lovely Penelope grabs a black garbage bag and dumps it in the ring, revealing… Page’s haunted cowboy boots! The crowd starts chanting, “this is awesome,” even though it is decidedly not so. Page tries his best to look petrified, but just looks whiny (or constipated), and I roll my eyes so hard I slam my head into the wall.
The arena suddenly falls dark. A dirge that sounds vaguely like the Undertaker’s theme music begins to play. A picture of Joey Ryan, laying in a coffin, appears on the jumbotron. The camera scrolls down to his crotch (really), and we all get to watch his pants stiffen as he grows a giant boner (really).
Joey Ryan’s dick has its own Undertaker entrance.
Oh, FFS, those are grown-ass men dressed as penises, coming down the entrance way, two by two, chanting like Gregorian monks. Don Callis tries to appropriately capture the moment by referring to it as a “phalanx of phalluses”. Thank you for trying, Don. Please see yourself out.
Joey Ryan parades down to the ring with a lollipop in his mouth, thrusting his cock in everyone’s face. Page is still trying to act like he’s seen a ghost. It’s terrible. When Ryan reaches the ring, Janella has abandoned the premises, probably wishing he was dead for being a party to this. Ryan proceeds to oil himself up, including pulling out the band of his tights and squirting baby oil directly onto his cock. He takes the lollipop out of his mouth, and that goes down his tights with the lotion.
Then, by far the most absurd thing yet happened (can you even fathom that it still got more absurd!?). Joey Ryan grabs Page’s wrist and places Page’s hand on his dick. Ryan begins flexing his arms, and Page acts like he is having his arm wrung. Joey Ryan then flicks his penis to the side, and Page goes ass over teakettle to the ground. Adam Page has been bodyslammed by Joey Ryan’s johnson. Oh wait, did I mention that Joey Ryan also took the lollipop out of his trunks and jammed it into Page’s opened maw? To hell with this shit.
I immediately understood why this stuff is not considered mainstream and why they can’t sell tickets to children.
I couldn’t tell you who won or lost this match. I’d like to forget I ever saw it.
Flip Gordon v. Jay Lethal (ROH World Heavyweight Championship)
Jay Lethal is shown backstage, pumping himself up for his title defense. A nameless hand appears on screen and hands Lethal a pair of sunglasses. When I saw the sunglasses, I made a mental note: those look like Macho Man shades. Lethal is holding the glasses, examining them, when the same disembodied arm reaches over and slaps Jay Lethal on the shoulder. As if someone hit a switch, Lethal’s eyes enlarge and he begins to gaze at the ceiling.
Flip Gordon makes his way to the ring, accompanied by the vivacious (and returning) Brandi Rhodes! This time, she is dressed in 1940’s military attire, as if she is the last member of a trio that tours military bases singing “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”. The poor girl is still clearly smarting from the earlier elbow drop. Did I mention she is positively vivacious?
Suddenly, the strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” fill the arena. Jay Lethal appears, dressed in Randy Savage’s clothes. Literally. It is the same outfit Macho Man wore when he made his WCW debut in 1994. Lethal is accompanied to the ring by Lanny Poffo, aka “The Genius”, the Macho Man’s brother. Poffo is wearing a shirt that says “Brother From Another Mother” and has a photo of him and Lethal in a Mega-Powers pose. Lethal is in full Black Machismo mode, complete with Randy Savage mannerisms and movements. I’m really not sure how I feel about this.
Before the match begins, Poffo sticks his hand out to Lethal, requesting a handshake. Lethal obliges, but before they lock hands, Poffo and Lethal both act as though there is electricity running through them. Oh my god, they’re doing the MegaPowers handshake. I am speechless, and really not sure how I feel about this.
Lethal begins the match by insisting Brandi stand in his corner. He repeatedly leaves the ring and escorts Brandi to his preferred spot. At one point, Brandi is overheard objecting, “I’m not Elizabeth”. I don’t think I’m enjoying this.
Look, I get that Randy Savage himself gave Jay Lethal the blessing to do the angle when Macho was alive, but now that Randy is dead and gone, it feels a little dirty to me. Then again, who am I to judge? If Lanny says it’s alright, it’s alright, right?
Finally, Brandi Rhodes runs into the ring to escape Jay Lethal’s groping outside the ring. Lethal follows her and tries to lift her up onto his shoulders, a’ la Liz and Randy, WrestleMania IV. She turns around and smacks him. On the shoulder. Lethal seems to “snap out of it” (feel a Slim Jim joke coming?), and looks around like he doesn’t know how he got there. Well, that’s it. I officially don’t like this.
So a slap on the shoulder “fixes” it, huh? I cannot decide if I’m relieved it’s over or if I’m afraid of the moment it inevitably starts again.
Wait, wait, wait. Is Flip Gordon “hulking up”? Oh my goodness, I hate this.
I had a hard time concentrating on the match after all of that, and I was still bearing the scars of Joey Ryan’s cock, so I did not enjoy what was probably a solid match. Jay Lethal retained his title after hitting a Lethal Injection on Gordon.
I am petrified when, at the conclusion of the match, Bully Ray runs down to assault both men and Colt Cabana runs down to save them. My sides are already aching from all the knee-slapping comedy, Colt Cabana might just put me on death’s doorstep. Cabana plays it straight and rescues his friends, which means that comedy act Colt Cabana actually got less comedy time on screen than ROH Heavyweight Champion Jay Lethal. I hate myself for loving pro wrestling.
Kenny Omega v. Pentagon Jr.
This was bound to be a fantastic match. I didn’t have a rooting interest, as it is clearly impossible to cheer for a guy who so recently feuded with Chris Jericho (Omega), but it is also impossible to cheer for a guy with both a luchador mask and paint on his face (Pentagon Jr). The announcers do a great job of putting over the contrasts between the two men, their styles, their strategies, and it seems like we are finally gonna get back to some wrestling.
The crowd is split about 50/50, support-wise, which I found noteworthy, because most people seem to hate TNA Impact Wrestling, whom Pentagon is here representing. Kenny Omega is an internet darling, one of the few examples of good judgement from the IWC, making the crowd reaction even more surprising.
I’m a much bigger fan of Omega’s catch-as-catch-can style than I am of Pentagon Jr’s spot-heavy, luchadore style, but it was Pentagon who delivered the most breath-taking offensive attack of the match, if not the evening.
Late in the match, Pentagon hit Omega with a package piledriver ON THE RING APRON. “Eeeeee. Kenny Omega is dead,” I said to myself. Somehow, Omega kicks out of the pinning combination and manages to return the favor with a package piledriver of his own.
Omega eventually connects with four consecutive V-Trigger kicks and a One-Armed Angel for the win!
As Omega celebrates, the lights in the arena go dark. Oh no, please not Joey Ryan…
The announce team questions what is going on. Has ROH lost the feed? When the lights flash back on, Pentagon has restored himself to his feet and starts attacking Omega. Pentagon connects with a Codebreaker before… wait a minute… “Pentagon” unmasks, and it’s CHRIS JERICHO! Finally something to cheer about! He pummels Omega further before telling him that he will see him on the Jericruise! Fantastic! I feel very good for mentioning to my wife at the outset of the match that I could never cheer for someone who Jericho doesn’t like.
I feel like I should clarify that Jericho is not Pentagon. Jericho switched places with Pentagon when the lights were out. It’s a “swerve”, you know?
The final two matches, Kazuchika Okada v. Marty Scurll and the Six-Man Tag between Rey Mysterio, Fenix, and Bandido & The Young Bucks with Kota Ibushi aren’t of particular interest to me, to tell you the truth. I find Marty Scurll grating, and I actively dislike The Young Bucks and Kota Ibushi. The Young Bucks just seem infinitely punchable, and Kota Ibushi once wrestled a blow-up doll. That’s just not something I can wipe out of my mind or get excited about. Jim Cornette agrees with me, so there’s that.
My Final Thoughts: If I was the booker, I probably would’ve put the Six-Man Tag Match in the spot where Rhodes/Aldis was. The NWA Title Match was my favorite match of the night, and despite the debacle that was Joey Ryan, all in all it was a good card. It was very much an independent wrestling show, in the sense that you would have a hard time convincing your buddy who doesn’t like wrestling that he would really enjoy the sport if he just watched this show. I like pro wrestling the most when it is trying to convince me it is real, when it isn’t hard to suspend my disbelief. Matches like Aldis/Rhodes and Omega/Pentagon are great examples of that. So truly, “All In” was exactly that: a little bit of everything, good and bad. The women’s match, along with the aforementioned two, make the viewing commitment worth it. I wouldn’t even blame you if your curiosity got the better of you and you watched that Joey Ryan segment. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
A Fool Speaks Loudest 