What’s more metal?
Certainly, a good question. Anytime you do anything awesome, and someone hassles you, you could respond by asking them:
Oh yeah? Well, what’s more metal?
If you are metal, yourself, you already know exactly what this question implies. To be “metal” is to be completely and totally awesome in the awesomest of ways. Therefore, if you are being metal, you are being totally, mind-crushingly awesome.
This, however, is not the point today, my loyal and metal readers. The object today is to decipher which, of all the metal-ass things a person could be, is the most metal? The Brown Note is aware of your abundant intelligence, readers, so The Brown Note knows that while that question may be confusing, you will catch on quickly without further explanation. Let The Brown Note begin:
– Medieval Knight: From the suit of armor, the sprawling castles, to the Catholic imagery, the medieval knight is a very metal entity. This brand of metal-ness is upheld by bands like Candlemass, Dio, and Led Zeppelin. Now, the point here is not those bands, but the actual knight himself. Here is a guy who goes out literally dressed, from head to toe, in metal. While he’s out, he conquers dragons, goes on conquest, and kills in the name of a higher power. His symbols include crosses (not upside-down), swords, lightning, and most important to the knight, a noble purpose. The knight kills because he believes he is righteous, which is pretty metal of him, but ultimately, the knight is an underling, which is not. Conquest in the name of a monarch is most likely his goal. One thing the knight does have is an incredible tale to weave. The knight also has guillotines. You can’t be much more metal that a guillotine.
– Evil Monk/Dragon Overlord: This brand of metal is represented by bands like Goblin Cock and Sunn 0))). Dragon Overlords are the arch-rivals of medieval knights, but no less metal. They wear robes, which is not only a sure sign of evil, but also of extreme metalness. Instead of slaying dragons, they conjure them. Metal points are always awarded for evil. The evil monk is interested in affecting your brain, as opposed to your heart. While knights are chivalrous, evil monks are sinister. Monks like to use magic to awaken malignant forces, and those forces will gladly fight beside the evil monk’s twisted form. Twisted Form. Hmmm. Yep, it’s true. Darth Vader is an evil monk. How much more metal can you get than Darth Vader?
– The Viking: Giant battleships, horned helmets, and loincloths. This form of metal is represented best by bands like Man-O-War and…. well… Man-O-War. The viking, unlike the knight, is interested in killing for the viking’s own sake. The Viking has no leader, save for the Gods of Asgard, which makes the viking incredibly metal. Being polytheistic is a sure sign of metaldom. The Brown Note is considering switching to polytheism, just to increase his metal quotient. The vikings drink mead, live in places called Niflheim and Isaholm, and, like the knight, fights dragons. They also have to deal with Loki, who pretty much is as metal as gods get.
– Satan: This is the man who gave birth to metal. He wants us to be happy. Best represented by Slayer and Morbid Angel, Satan decided that the best thing to do, in life, is fight God. Metal. Satan is the one who brings us fire, blood, axes, crosses (upside-down). Satan loses metal points for using psychological weapons, as only a pussy fights like that. Someone should make some T-shirts that say “Satan is a Pussy”. That would be the most metal thing ever, because Xtians wouldn’t buy them, they say “pussy” on them. Only people who are metal would buy that T-shirt. Satan would appreciate it. Satan holds the disadvantage of being the only entity listed that we aren’t sure actually exists. Satan gave us Mario Party, Britney Spears, and Teletubbies, but he also gave us Iron Maiden, pornography, and marijuana. Don’t argue, it’s called “The Devil’s Weed”.
– Greeks/Romans: Whoa, whoa. Let’s not give the Greeks too much credit. It just so happens that the Spartans, who were technically greek, were as metal as fuck. The Romans, for their part, gave us chariots, crucifixion, and booze. Yes, The Brown Note knows that booze existed prior to the Roman Empire, but alcoholism was a uniquely Roman creation. The reason these two are grouped together is because they both believed in Zeus as supreme leader (if you are a knight, this is a result of Satan, which means that all metal ultimately interacts). The Greeks/Romans gain points for being so metal that all bands spout their metalness in some way, but lose points for that exact same reason. At the risk of being uber-nerdy, God of War best represents why the Greeks/Romans are so metal.
So that’s that. Here’s the thing. All of those entities are metal as hell. Disregarding the bands that represent them, which of those creature is most metal, or do you have another suggestion?
The Brown Note’s prediction is that Satan will win, by virtue of being Satan. Beelzebub. Lucifer.
The Brown Note’s personal vote is to put a Viking helmet on Joe Preston and declare him the winner.
THRONES
A Fool Speaks Loudest 