Best Weekend of the Year?

So, about those predictions…

The Boston Celtics are now 2 games back with 4 games to play after making venison jerky out of those wimpy deer, 140-99, in Milwaukee. The C’s have a road game against Philadelphia, two in a row at home against Toronto (!!), and close out at home against Atlanta. The Bucks have a road game Tuesday against the Wizards, then two at home against the Bulls and The Grizzlies (not a team I’m excited to root for), and finish on the road against the Raptors. The Ringer’s odds machine says the Celtics have an 18 percent chance of pulling it off. I like our chances considerably more.

Max Fried lasted 3 1/3 innings before exiting with a hamstring injury, and Keibert Ruiz most certainly did not go 4-4. James Outman had a monster game, and currently, Miguel Vargas has 8 walks, 1 double, and only 5 official at-bats. Let’s keep that pace, for sure. Trayce Thompson tread all over that snake, Madison Bumgarner, for 3 HR and 8 RBI, while Kershaw struck out 9 in 6 innings, exerting his dominance (as if there has ever been any actual comparison between Bumgarner and Kershaw).

The Diamondbacks are truly a bunch of glorified worms, so leaving a home series with a 2-2 split is not exactly ideal.

It’s hard to feel disappointed, though, when baseball is commencing and it is WrestleMania weekend. I’ve decided not to address the unfortunate news regarding Vince McMahon’s return to WWF creative (except to let you know I’m not going to address it), and focus on the in-ring competition. Although, can I take a moment to ask what is going on with Vince McMahon’s face?

I could preface all of this with some cliche’ about good, bad, and ugly, but that would be cheap and easy. Instead, how about an abrupt transition?

John Cena v. Austin Theory (United States Championship Match):

I must mention that I had a room of 7 year-olds with me the first night of ‘Mania, and this match, specifically, is catered to them. As the one who wasn’t my son mentioned, John Cena was “too old to wear those shoes.” Cena has always dressed like a “cool dad”, but now he just kind of looks like a dad trying to be cool. His hair is longer and sparser than it has ever been, an impressive feat. It’s somewhere on the baldness scale between young Arn Anderson and Hulk Hogan.

Austin Theory dispatched Cena after the referee was knocked out. Cena had him locked in a STFU, and Theory wisely tapped out (without the referee to call it) so that Cena would break the hold. Meathead Cena didn’t see the referee go down, and started celebrating (prematurely) his victory. Theory nailed him with the A-Town down to successfully retain his title.

7 year-olds go apoplectic. I feel sublime. The run of having all champions I like will continue…for now.

Braun Strowman & Ricochet v. The Street Prophets v. Alpha Academy v. The Viking Raiders:

Nothing to see here. Alpha Academy’s Chad Gable is the greatest thing to happen to pro wrestling since Kurt Angle, and everyone is very jealous that Otis Dozovic gets to hang out with beautiful ladies thanks to a successful hand modeling career. Strength, talent, and beauty… no wonder everyone is booing him. I would think that a place as glorious and beautiful as Los Angeles would appreciate a man of Otis’ considerable gifts, but heavy is the head that wears the crown. This sucked, but at least it was short.

Seth Rollins v. Logan Paul:

The entire building, all 80,947 of them, are correctly booing Logan Paul. Because this is WrestleMania and not the douchebag olympics, Logan Paul will not emerge victorious. Logan Paul is the kind of guy who will never get to the “find out” section “f*** around/find out” graph, because the more we hate him, the stronger he seems to get. Logan Paul lost, but he wasn’t even the biggest loser in this match. There were 3 bigger losers:

1. Seth Rollins, for having to soil his hands with this obnoxious social media star. Here is a guy who has headlined past WrestleManias, held the Universal Championship on multiple occasions, and deserved a match that would at least move him up the rankings for a future title shot. Instead, he’s wrestling against a goon and a guy dressed up as an energy drink. Really.
2. The fans that had to sit through this match.
3. Any wrestler who did not have a match on WrestleMania’s card. There is a roster full of kids who have been breaking their back all year, or for multiple years, to get a shot on wrestling’s grandest stage, who were sitting in the back watching a YouTube celebrity take a mid-card spot. Bobby Lashley, Killer Kross, and Dolph Ziggler, to name a few, are skilled veterans with championship pasts that were relegated to pre-show Battle Royals that no one actually cares about, despite the sizzle reels Vince keeps producing to convince us otherwise.

Logan Paul is absolute garbage.

Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus, and Lita v. Damage CTRL:

Time for a slice of pizza, an edible, and a bathroom break.

Rey Mysterio v. Dominik Mysterio:

I have never, ever liked Rey Mysterio. If I was Rey Mysterio, I would also hide my face behind a mask. How could I have the temerity to show my face in public, after unleashing over 20 years of this spot-monkey flea circus act on the masses?

That said, I was legitimately heartsick watching him fight his own son. Overall, I was pulling for Dominik, on a macro level. I think getting out from under your old man’s shadow to hang out with the smoke show Rhea Ripley is a fantastic choice. It’s the rite of passage to manhood. No one can just be their father’s smiling, goofy, baby-kissing sidekick forever. But geez, you can’t call your old man out. The crowd seemed to be on Rey’s side, which I understand, but cheering for this at all just seems to be in bad taste. Rey won, Dominik lost, so really, no one wins: Rey had to beat up his kid and Dominik lost to an old man, leaving him with few prospects to get out of the WWF cellar.

Charlotte Flair v. Rhea Ripley (Smackdown Women’s Championship):

Charlotte Flair has been the best the company has to offer, man or woman, for a few years now, especially after she kicked her own embarrassing father to the curb. Rhea Ripley won the women’s Royal Rumble in January and has a dominant championship run under her belt. This is the kind of stuff I love: a match with no obvious favorite.

The story leading up to the match was simple: Ripley wins the Rumble, and chooses to compete against Flair for the Smackdown Women’s Championship at WrestleMania. The championship is the storyline. Two women with mutual respect and mutual dislike for each other, vying to be the best, on pro wrestling’s biggest stage.

Rhea Ripley emerged victorious after a grueling wrestling match. Counter moves and the catch-as-catch-can style, where each competitor is keeping a tight circle around their opponent, are the ingredients for the kinds of matches I really enjoy watching. If you do nothing else, make sure you see that german suplex Ripley unleashed on Flair. Ouch.

My only complaint is that Charlotte hung around after the match, smiling like she was proud of Ripley. It seemed a little spotlight-hogging or belittling to Ripley, but I guess if Ripley doesn’t feel that way, who am I?

Pat McAfee v. The Miz:

Oh, what’s that? Time for another slice? Football announcer versus “Real World” participant. Hard pass. This is the kind of stuff that makes pro wrestling hard to defend, and it is happening in the shadow of a Logan Paul match. No thanks. Oh yeah, this match was added to the card by Snoop Dogg. Phew, that’s a horrible smell.

The Usos v. Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens (Undisputed Tag Team Championships):

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn first came across my radar as Kevin Steen and El Generico in ROH in the early-mid 2000s. Kevin Owens has been a gross slob, wrestling in a doublet that was too small or his pajamas since those days, and Zayn/Generico wore a luchador mask, until he dropped said mask and started coming out to the ring dressed like a1990’s ska dork. His entrance music sounds like a bad teenage movie soundtrack from 1997. I half expect Stiffler to show up and accompany him to the ring. They’ve been on-again, off-again friends many times over, usually with Steen/Owens doing the backstabbing and the dumb puppy dog Zayn/Generico winning his friend back in the end. I’ve never liked either of them, so I cared little about their bromance.

Then, Kevin Owens got smart, dumped Zayn what seemed like for good, and started a new best friendship with Chris Jericho. Finally, I could get behind Owens, who despite appearances to the contrary, is a pretty good athlete. My appreciation was short-lived, as Owens turned his back on Jericho on live TV during what was supposed to be a “celebration of friendship”. If I learned one thing under the Randy Savage learning tree, it is that we never forget, never forgive something like that.

Zayn, meanwhile, toiled deservedly in opening match hell as recently as last year’s WrestleMania, where he “fought” Johnny Knoxville of Jackass! fame in a match that included a giant mousetrap. Putrid tripe, but at least he wasn’t asking me to take him seriously. It seemed like Zayn was sick of that career path, himself, and made the wise decision to endear himself to the Bloodline, of which the Usos, Jimmy and Jey, are an integral part.

When the time came for Zayn to finally show his appreciation to the Bloodline for dragging him out of wrestling purgatory, all he had to do was hit the treacherous Owens with a steel chair. His ascension would be complete. Zayn revealed his own treachery by refusing to comply, choosing instead to throw his lot in with Owens. Keep in mind, this is the same Kevin Owens who power-bombed Zayn into the ring apron in the middle of the latter’s first championship match, leaving him unconscious. The man has no low to which he will not stoop, and Zayn decided, once again, to trust him. I hope they both catch fleas.

I sincerely hoped the Usos would exact revenge on their tormentors this evening, but it was not to be. The crowd seemed to have forgotten how loathsome Zayn and Owens are, as well, as they were firmly behind the pair. I cannot understand what people have against the Bloodline, but as with Otis Dozovic, I can only chalk it up to envy. My dream of having all champions I like has died. Long live the Bloodline.

Night 2

Brock Lesnar v. Omos

It isn’t often Brock Lesnar is dwarfed by an opponent, but that was certainly the case here. This match was mercifully brief, and I really can’t think of anything interesting to say about it. Lesnar wins, now we won’t see him until SummerSlam or so. Rough start to night two, let’s move on.

Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez v. Natalya & Shotzi v. Ronda Rousey & Shayna Bazler v. Chelsea Green and Sonya Deville

That’s a mouthful. The notion that they found time to put this match on the main card but excluded the aforementioned talent that got flushed for McAfee/Miz is mind-boggling. This match was meaningless, as two of the four teams are not even full-time teams, so there is no ranking at stake. Just a boring showcase of subpar wrestling (all due respect to Rousey and Natalya).

Drew McIntyre v. Gunther v. Sheamus (Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship):

The line of wrestlers who have held the Intercontinental Championship reads like a who’s who of my favorite guys: Randy Savage, Mr. Perfect, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, Kurt Angle, and CM Punk, just to name a few. As announcer Corey Graves mentioned last night, it has always been a “workhorse” championship. My anticipation for this match was high, and I was not disappointed.

Gunther and Sheamus have already had a show-stopping match, my personal pick for Match of the Year in 2022, at Clash at the Castle. Drew McIntyre is not far removed from a World Championship reign that nobody got to witness, thanks to Covid. It’s great to see him coming for the IC title. Sometimes, a three-way match can become a bit of a chaotic mess, with sequences that stretch the suspension of disbelief. Guys who would normally stand toe-to-toe in combat find themselves flailing out of the ring after one knife-edge chop, and sometimes they can run a little too long.

That was not the case here.These guys started off trying to bloody each other’s chests, fighting each other over the chance to beat the third one up. Gunther, the ring general who has expressed his intention to save the sport of professional wrestling from clowns like the New Day, managed to hold on to his title, but the story of the match was really how far friends McIntyre and Sheamus were willing to go to earn the championship from him. Watching friends brutalize each other over a championship raises the value of that championship. Gunther has climbed up the leaders’ list of longest, uninterrupted IC championship reigns, already holding the record for the 21st century and creeping up on Randy Savage and the Honky Tonk Man for longest all-time. I love this stuff, and regardless of what happened with the tag team championships, at least I still have Gunther.

Asuka v. Bianca Belair (Raw Women’s Championship):

I like both of these girls, and they both deserve to be in the title picture (much like the two ladies who competed for the Smackdown championship the night before). Asuka has a special place in my heart, because she’s the one my daughter roots for, but I could do without the face paint and magic mist. Bianca Belair is just likable (that ring entrance!), and she brings a big match energy with her every time she sets foot in the squared circle. Becky Lynch gets a lot of recognition for being the complete package, having solid ring work and strong mic skills, but I just don’t see how Bianca Belair isn’t better than her in every single way.

I’ve seen/heard people complaining that this match didn’t have enough build-up to make it interesting, but I guess those people don’t like pro wrestling. The championship is always reason enough to fight, and if you weren’t interested in this match within the first five minutes, you don’t actually like wrestling, you like something else that shares aspects of wrestling, but rings are not necessary. Well, maybe engagement rings, but not places where gladiators gladiate.

Snoop Dogg v. The Miz:

Normally, I would have been grabbing a third slice, but that was Shane McMahon’s music! Oh crap, in the words of Jim Ross, I think Shane may have just broken in half. Good luck finding footage of it, but I hope Shane recovers fully. What is it with McMahons and non-contact injuries?

So now, I get to watch Snoop Dogg drop the People’s Elbow on Miz. Awful.

Edge v. Finn Balor (Hell in a Cell):

I’ve normally got no use for Edge and his belt-licking ways. The guy looks like a katydid and used to pretend he had vampire powers. No thanks. I’m also usually not impressed by ring entrances. Yeah, they’re cool, but they aren’t usually a reflection of how cool the wrestler is. In this case, though, I make an exception:

Yep, that’s Edge, entering the ring to Slayer. Corey Graves took the words right out of my mouth when he said he never had Slayer being played at WrestleMania on his bingo card. In fact, quick shout out to Corey Graves for consistently being the best part of any announce team he’s on. Yes, the bar is imperceptibly low at this point (Monsoon and Ventura ain’t coming through that door), but he’s great.

Finn Balor, with all his airbrushed bodypaint, just didn’t measure up. Dude, Edge had Slayer.

Hell in a Cell has also never really been my thing. Yeah, Foley v. Undertaker was a hell of a thing to see, but that’s because things went wrong. Hell in a Cell usually means two quality wrestlers, main-event guys, will be putting on an absurd stunt show. I can’t sit and watch people throw each other into a chain-link fence for very long.

We’ve come along way since chair shots and cage matches were considered heinous. Now they are routine. When is the last time someone didn’t go through a table? I’m just not impressed.

Sure enough, Balor was split open in the first few minutes of the match. Unexpectedly, the camera panned away and the medical staff quickly stitched him up so he could continue. Normally, they let the blood flow for cinematic effect, but I think I actually prefer it this way, as it is what would happen in a sanctioned athletic contest. Overall, nothing I would write home about, but people are into this sort of thing, so…

Edge won the match, and I don’t care.

Cody Rhodes v. Roman Reigns (Undisputed Universal Championship):

I could go on and on about why I dislike calling the championship the “universal” championship, but honestly, Roman Reigns has been delivering the goods for so long now, he just might be the champion of the universe. There is a certain irony with Roman Reigns. First, wrestling fans booed him because they felt, perhaps justifiably, that he was being shoved down their throats and hadn’t earned his stature in the sport. No matter how hard Vince & Co. tried to make fans love him, they just would not. He was criticized on everything from work rate to mic skills, and even a leukemia diagnosis didn’t buy him admiration.

Roman Reigns responded by earning everything. He beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania, he defeated Brock Lesnar multiple times, he acquired the services of Paul Heyman, united both world titles into one, and hasn’t lost a match since December of 2019. Roman Reigns has held the pinnacle championship in professional wrestling for 944 days as of this WrestleMania, and still, the fans boo him.

They cheer for a weasel named Cody Rhodes. Cody Rhodes was formerly employed by WWF, until he requested his release in 2016. At the time, it was understandable. He had been saddled with a horrible gimmick, and rightfully wanted no part of that obscene spectacle. When he left, he was critical of the WW”E” and their stubborn commitment to “sports entertainment”. He would become a world traveler, going on to hold championships in TNA, NJPW, and the NWA, the latter being especially poignant due to the accomplishments of his old man, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. His match against Nick Aldis at All In was not only an instant classic, but the germination of a new company that Rhodes would help create: AEW.

Rhodes even went so far as to crush, with a sledgehammer, on live TV, a throne that looked very similar to the one Triple H had taken to sitting on during his ring entrances. It was a not-so-subtle shot at the tired direction the WWE was taking, and loud pronouncement of how the Rhodes family saw themselves in the hierarchy of the sport. Cody was not going to allow himself to be ridiculed or buried. He would make his own legacy, without Vince’s entertainment machine behind him.

And, by god, it was working. AEW is now a successful wrestling promotion, with a primetime TV slot, sponsors, and a touring apparatus. Most importantly, AEW is markedly different from WWF in that wrestlers have some agency in how they are represented and used.

Cody Rhodes returned to WWF in 2021. After all of that, he crawled back.

His expressed reason is that he wanted to accomplish something that his father never could. He wanted to be Universal Champion. This is the company that gave Dusty Rhodes polka dot ring gear, and that Dusty himself fought tooth and nail against for years as booker for WCW. The company that went out of their way to humiliate Cody just a few years ago.

Worst of all, Cody left AEW, the company that he founded and mutually benefitted from, scrambling to explain why their CEO had left for WWE. They were supposed to be in this together.

Cody earned the fans’ respect when he fought Seth Rollins inside a cage with a complete tear in his pectoral muscle. Then, he left to nurse his injury. Reigns managed to stay injury-free while Cody was gone for nearly a year, competing in each main event on every major card and defending his championship. Yet, for some reason, the crowd still chose Cody at WrestleMania. The injustice of it all could bring a man to tears.

But not Roman Reigns. He shattered the dream of the “American Nightmare” last night and successfully retained his championship. He pulled out all the stops necessary, understanding the importance of the championship, that it goes beyond serving as a trinket to make a father proud. It is a lifestyle, it is a legacy, and if you have to stoop to underhanded tactics to retain it, then that is what you do. If you don’t care enough to cheat, you don’t care enough.

Cody Rhodes can take some solace in the fact that he did accomplish something his father never did: he lost in the main event of WrestleMania.

Roman Reigns. Acknowledge him.