Take a Permanent Vacation

By the power invested in me by the Gods of Rock, I am officially withdrawing from my post as Patron Saint of Aerosmith.

Has there ever been a legendary rock band that has made their patron saint’s job more difficult? Through the years of embarrassing movie soundtrack songs, even more embarrassing Super Bowl halftime shows, unbearable album titles (Honkin’ on Bobo), and Steven Tyler’s stint on American Idol, not only did I stand by them, I exalted their righteousness as a pantheon-worthy band. Well, f** it, I quit. There’s an adage about standing by your friends, backing their plays, and I’m very big on loyalty. However, our friends have a responsibility to us, as well, to make sure we don’t have to back bad plays. Aerosmith has proven that loyalty is a one-way street.

It all started in January of 2020, during Aerosmith’s ill-fated Las Vegas residency. I had mixed feelings about a residency at all, but as long as it kept them out of the studio recording music written by professional song doctors, I could live with it. Perhaps they would even choose their setlist wisely and reclaim a bit of their decadent, 1970s glory (spoiler: they didn’t). After a myriad of show cancellations, usually due to Tyler’s relapses or injuries, it seemed inconceivable that any tragedy could befall them in a Vegas hotel room. They only had to travel up and down in an elevator.

What I should have recognized is that Aerosmith are the masters of self-inflicted wounds.

The seeds of the problem actually took root in April of 2019, when drummer Joey Kramer somehow did manage to injure himself, forcing the band to complete the remaining slate of dates with a fill-in (Kramer’s drum tech, if you can believe that). Kramer claimed it was a minor injury, and in fact was ready to return to the stage by June of that year, when the second slate of performances was set to begin. According to Kramer’s replacement, John Douglas, he was “told” by Steven Tyler that Kramer was unable to perform those dates, and that he would be filling in for the remainder of the residency.

All the while, Joe Perry had been barnstorming with the odious Hollywood Vampires, playing second guitar for Johnny Depp. This is only important because of the context; Joe Perry and Joey Kramer were treated quite differently within the band.

Joe Perry suffered a goddamn heart attack in 2016 while touring with Vampires, and there was never any question that if Aerosmith needed to cancel shows to get Perry back to full health, it would have been done. Of course, there is a clear argument that, in the Aerosmith hierarchy, Joey Kramer is no Joe Perry. That much is obvious, and really, not the issue.

Aerosmith did, in fact, cancel shows from their 2016 tour, and their 2017 follow-up (the atrociously named Aero-Verderci European “farewell” tour) due to injury/illness befallen upon Perry and Tyler. Fair enough, as there is no Aerosmith without the Toxic Twins. What did not happen to Tyler and Perry that did happen to Kramer, is that they were not made to re-audition for the band.

Aerosmith has been releasing records since 1973. Joey Kramer has been the drummer for each of those releases. Joe Perry cannot claim the same accolade in regards to his guitar playing. Joe Perry left the band in 1979 during the recording of Night in the Ruts, and was absent entirely from Rock in a Hard Place (an underrated anomaly of the weird, odd, and boozy).

I cannot think of a circumstance in which it is appropriate for a band as long-running and successful as Aerosmith to make a founding member re-audition. They rightfully did not do it to Joe Perry, and they damn sure shouldn’t have done it to Joey Kramer. It’s a huge kick in the balls to the guy responsible for the beat to Walk This Way.

Ok, so the guy was injured and needed some time to get back into fighting shape.

In January of 2020, Joey Kramer sued Aerosmith for the opportunity to be included in the Grammys Lifetime Achievement Honors concert, during which the band would be honored. Making the guy re-audition is bad enough, excluding him from this event is absurd. In his suit, Kramer correctly mentions that other members of Aerosmith have suffered injuries and setbacks and have not been made to re-audition, let alone excluded from band events. Excluding him from a lifetime achievement award seems spiteful and cruel, and certainly not in the spirit of brotherhood you would expect from a band that has been together so many years.

The band had the temerity to claim in their response that allowing him to join the band on such “short notice” would be doing a “disservice” to the fans. Gross.

And if you think that’s gross, wait until you get a load of Steven Tyler as of 12 hours ago.

Today, Steven Tyler submitted his defense against a sexual abuse lawsuit filed in December of 2022.

Look, I get it. the 1970s were a different time. Things have damn sure changed since then. Behaviors that were indulged or ignored in 1973 are absolutely frowned upon in 2023. I’m sure you can deduce what some of those things might be. I’m not here to litigate what is or isn’t appropriate, or how long is too long to come forward about something that happened to you but…

In his memoir, Steven Tyler admits that he became sexually involved with a 16 year-old (with some very colorful language), eventually adopting her so that he wouldn’t get arrested taking her across state lines.

In her suit, Tyler’s accuser claims he forced her to have an abortion at 17.

Tyler’s defense, paraphrased, is that Tyler committed no crime because the female consented and that his legal guardianship grants him “immunity or qualified immunity.”

Steven Tyler is arguing that legal guardianship grants a person immunity from prosecution for sexually assaulting the person they are legally a guardian for. That’s positively heinous. Imagine the claim he is actually making, taken to the logical conclusion.

So yeah, can’t defend these guys any longer. Does that mean I can’t enjoy their catalog? Does it lessen their art? I can answer in the resoundingly negative for both of those instances, in my case, but I wouldn’t blame you for feeling otherwise. To be sure, I won’t be buying any more Aerosmith merchandise so that my hard-earned dollars can go to funding this skin-crawling defense. I probably wouldn’t buy any more Aerosmith music anyhow, the last album was awful, and dude, it’s just time to stop. Take a permanent vacation.