For the sake of integrity, and attributing quotes correctly and contextually, I present this to you as a narrative in the style of books like I Want My MTV and Those Guys Have All the Fun.

The players:

• Barry Krippene
• Matt Daggett
• James Malone (that’s me!)

This conversation picks up in a thread as part of an ongoing, interminable, argue-until-one-of-us-dies conversation about sports. The topic is regularly the NFL (particularly if the 49ers or Packers are playing), occasionally MLB (usually to lament Dave Roberts or the overall futility of the Oakland A’s), but most often, and most passionately, the NBA is the the focal point. The speakers herein are, in the order listed above, a Sacramento Kings fan, a Portland Trail Blazers fan, and a Boston Celtics fan. The most unbiased, fair-minded Boston Celtics fan to ever rationally discuss James Naismith’s creation, I should add.

To this point, the conversation had been progressing a few days regarding Larry Bird’s standing in the pantheon of NBA legends. Specifically, could he stack up to that other small forward who almost a decade ago (!!) took his talents to South Beach. The thread, after laying dormant for 12 hours or 2 days, was reignited by this incredibly ice-cold take, courtesy of Nick Wright:

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Matt Daggett: Nick Wright is the biggest LeBron lover on the planet. He’s just a tad biased. You guys will not like his opinions of King James.

James Malone: I’m not saying I agree with him, but is an interesting take. I mean, calling Jordan a complete loser is dumb, especially given James’ Finals record. I do very much agree with his point about NBA teams in the East during Jordan’s run. Bird owned Jordan. Jordan knew it, too.

Author’s note: Michael Jordan was 11-17 versus Larry Bird in his career. Not exactly “ownage”, to be sure, but as I said, one of will have to die.

Barry Krippene: Are we pretending that the guy almost everybody considers the GOAT was just… lucky? Because I watched him play and I know you did, too, and I’m pretty sure that what he (Nick Wright) is calling luck is what most called “excellence”. Bird had an All-Star team around him. You’ve said it yourself. So did Magic.

JM: Jordan is the GOAT, no doubt about that. Bird still owned him. Jordan had fantastic timing. Magic got sick, Bird threw out his back, Len Bias and Reggie Lewis died, and Kevin McHale retired at like 28. That doesn’t diminish what Jordan did. The stars aligned.

BK: Bird and his Merry Band of All-Stars beat him.

JM: Correct. Because Bird owned Jordan. Look, Steph has owned LeBron, but that doesn’t mean that Steph is “better”.

Author’s Note: LeBron and Steph are currently 10-10 in head-to-head matchups. Doesn’t really seem that way, does it? I guess not all games are created equal, unless you are trying to apologize for LeBron James.

BK: That also doesn’t mean Steph “owns” LeBron either.

How correct you were, Barry.

JM:

BK: If you give Steph the Pistons, he isn’t owning anybody. Shoot, besides the Kings, Steph isn’t owning anybody this year.

Author’s note: I have to appreciate the backhanded slap directed at the loathsome Pistons.

MD: Bird was older than Jordan. That’s like saying that Jordan owned Kobe.

JM: Jordan did not own Kobe, and that is not the same. Jordan came into the league in 1984. Bird had been in the league for… 4 years? When Kobe came into the league, Jordan had been in the league for like 13 years. We have a tendency to forget that Jordan was 30 already when he won his first championship. And he was absolutely badass, dude. Unquestionably, the greatest. But… he couldn’t beat the Celtics. And yes, the 1986 Celtics should have beat the 23 year-old Jordan and the Bulls. And they did.

Kobe was 5-3 versus Jordan. Jordan was also on the Wizards.

MD: Jordan had nothing, though. You had arguably the greatest team of the decade.

BK: We’re not gonna convince him of the truth, Matt.

MD: We’re in agreement. Just don’t tell me Bird was better than Jordan.

JM: Bird is better than everyone not named Michael Jordan. And Bird owned Jordan.

MD: No. He. Is. Not. Bird is not even the greatest Celtic of all-time.

JM: I don’t understand why it matters if Bird was older, or if he “should have won”. Magic and the Lakers “should have” beat Jordan in 1991. But they didn’t. Because they didn’t have Larry Bird. I mean, it is a useless gesture, but I would bet my life that the 1986 Celtics would beat the 1996 Bulls.

So much must one of us die that I have now wagered my life.

MD: The ’91 Lakers were swept by the Bulls, who were insanely better than the Lakers by that time. They beat the Blazers, who straight up choked in the 1991 Western Conference Finals. That 90-91 team is the best Blazers team I’ve ever seen. We were a fuckin’ machine.

JM: All true. Those Blazers teams were fun, dude. I really wanted Drexler to get one, and not in Houston, that sucked.

MD: Can you tell I’m still pissed? Just couldn’t finish when it mattered. I was happy for Drexler at the time. Had no idea he would completely erase his Blazers existence from his mind. That was a bummer.

JM: Do you think Jordan woulda won 8 in a row if he had stayed in the league? Could they have beat the Rockets? We know they woulda beat the Knicks.

Never miss an opportunity to make fun of the Knicks.

MD: That’s. The. Question. Wish we would have seen it.

JM: Did Drexler leave angry?

MD: I would hope not. We traded him to Houston, as he’s from Houston. We didn’t get equal value at all. He’s like the ex-girlfriend that just pretends you didn’t have a thing. It hurts.

BK: Malone, are you mad that Larry only won 3, even though he had an All-Star cast around him and Jordan won 6 and took a two-year baseball vacation?

MD: Ooooh. Shots fired. Barry. And fuck this “only 3” shit. You and I would kill for one. God, the Blazers are awful. Blazers at Bucks tomorrow. That’s gonna be weird.

BK: Seriously, though, You kinda sound like me hating on John Elway. (even though Elway is not the Jordan of the NFL).

Barry now backhand slaps Elway. Well-played.

JM: I’m not hating on Michael Jordan. He’s undeniably the greatest of all time. You guys are hating on Larry Bird.

MD: Not at all. He’s top 10, unarguably. Maybe top 5. But #2 right behind MJ? That’s where tyou lose me.

BK: I get it. You’re trying to scooch Bird into the Jordan conversation.

JM: I’m sad that the Celtics had a string of misfortune, starting with Len Bias, but it also led to Pierce, KG, and Ray Allen, which in turn led to Nets draft picks, which led to Tatum and Brown.

BK: I don’t think Bird is Top 10.

MD: You also don’t think LeBron is Top 10.

BK: Not trying to hate, but I’ve seen as good or better NBA players.

MD: I would love to see your Top 5 Barry:

1. Jordan
2. Oscar Robertson
3. Mike Bibby
4. Peja
5. Doug Christie

BK: I don’t believe I’ve said that.

JM: Do those as good or better players have back-to-back MVPs and three championships?

BK: How many MVPs does Drew Brees have?

MD: Not sure. NFL MVP is not the same as NBA MVP, in my opinion. Oscar Robertson is the greatest King of all time, he just didn’t play in Sacramento. Also, looked it up. Zero. What’s your point exactly?

BK: He’s not an instant Hall of Famer? Way better than Elway was? Bird had an All-Star cast.

JM: Are you about to make the case that MVPs do not matter? I’ll hear it out. Still, that doesn’t change what happened on the court. Bird owned the league for at least 5 years. Jordan, Magic, Hakeem, they all fell.

MD:

1. Michael Jordan
2. LeBron James
3. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
4. Bill Russell
5. Magic Johnson
6. Larry Bird
7. Hakeem Olajuwon
8. Wilt Chamberlain

I’d have to think about nine and ten for a bit as you’re getting into Curry and KD territory and their careers aren’t done yet. And not necessarily in that order. I’d have to think on that, as well. But I have LeBron behind Jordan.

JM: LeBron had an All-Star cast in Miami. So did Magic Johnson in L.A. So does Phoenix right now. So did Brooklyn last year. I’ll accept Bird at 6, but you’ve gotta put Magic at 7, at least, then.

BK: Did Jordan?

JM: Pippen, Rodman, Ron Harper, Toni Kukoc.

BK: No Shaq or Kobe, huh?

MD: I’d take Magic over Bird, personally, but it’s close. Not necessarily, on Shaq and Kobe. Like I said, I have to think about it. My problem is that Shaq was lazy and relied on his god-given talent. He didn’t put in work like those other guys. Although, you can make the same argument for Wilt, and I put him in there.

JM: Wilt would not be in my top 10.

MD: That’s a take I’ve heard. I have no time for someone not putting LeBron in their top 10. None.

BK: Y’all grab players you never saw play and claim they are better than anyone in the last 20 years. Even though you admit the competition is much better nowadays. Confusing.

JM: LeBron is 3rd. MJ and Bird were both better. They had their careers cut short. I don’t wanna penalize longevity, but… he is LeBron, so F*** him.

MD: “He is LeBron, so F*** him”. So, you’re biased.

JM: I’m biased towards reality.

BK: I think Kobe was better than Bird and Magic.

MD: Disagree there, Johnny Most.

JM: Dude, Kobe took like 50 shots a game. But I’d rather have a guy with Kobe’s mentality than LeFlop’s.

The petty is starting to emerge, if it wasn’t there already. Kobe only averaged 19.5 shots per game. Other than that, though, I see no pettiness.

BK: You’re biased towards your own teams, Malone! Kobe won 5 rings.

MD: I account for careers cut short. If that’s the case, put Walton in there. We rolled teams from March of ’77 to March of ’78. Might be the greatest 12-month stretch of NBA basketball ever. 5 rings is more than Bird. LeBron has won 4, also more than Bird.

JM: Of course I am biased towards my teams, I do not deny it. But, if championships equate to greatness, then Robert Horry is the second-best player ever behind Bill Russell. So, that sounds alright to me. Steve Kerr has more rings than Kobe Bryant. I am biased, but I have also said nothing untrue, regarding Larry Bird’s record or stats.

BK: Dude, Larry Bird is 23rd on this list. Seems like a lot of modern players are pretty competitive with all of the great ones, except one.

JM: Yeah, and obviously Neil Johnston is better than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

BK: Stats don’t lie. I mean, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. Neil Johnston, being the only non-household name, is the only problem you have?

JM: PER takes fouls into consideration. It’s a wonder why guys like LeBron get to be high on this list while guys like Larry and Steph are regularly brutalized and get no calls. And yes, I do have other problems. Is Anthony Davis better than Tim Duncan? Stop it.

BK: Stats do lie, then? Either we use stats to sort this out or we’re basing it solely on opinion. Bird has the highest win percentage BUT his efficiency rating is 23rd. Seems like he had a lot more help than you’re willing to admit.

JM: Stats don’t lie, but those who manipulate them regularly do. All the time. PER is a good stat, but there are aspects (like foul calls) that players cannot control. James Harden is many things, but efficient? Does that pass the eye test for you? What would you rather have? The highest winning percentage or the highest efficiency rating?

One of us will die.

BK: I don’t know, man. At this point, it feels like we’re cherry picking some things and discouting others to reach whatever conclusion we want to fit our narrative.

JM: Bingo! Sports! Which leads me to this: Larry Bird is GOATED behind Michael Jordan.

BK: I just can’t imagine many players from the 1980s matching up against today’s greats except Jordan.

JM: That may be true, unless you factor in Larry Bird being given the same fitness regimen that Kevin Durant has.

BK: I don’t remember watching Larry Bird jog let alone run up and down the court back then.

JM: Dude, do not make me send you a 10 minute highlight reel.

BK: The players today are so, so much better than yesterday and Jordan is the only one, I think, who could ball in today’s game. Bird would be good, don’t get me wrong, but not great. Plus, and you’ve already admitted this one, the Celtics had a powerhouse team with our without him.

JM: He made them a powerhouse. Before Larry, they hadn’t been good since 1976. Barry, I cannot handle this Larry Bird heresy.

BK: I mean, I guess Larry and Macho Man were pretty okay, for their time….

In the immortal words of Beavis and Butt-head: “well, that sucked, but at least it was short.”

I’m mad, frustrated, and embarrassed by the odious performance of the Los Angeles Dodgers. They straight up blew it, and it wasn’t even close. A narrative has developed around the Dodgers in recent years that they are choke artists, and I’ve always denied that label. Not all losing is choking: going to game 7 in 2017 against a… ahem… well-prepared Astros team was not choking. This 2023 display, though, that’s a choke. The Dodgers absolutely blew it. I’ve seen many Dodgers apologists lamenting the loss of 3 top notch starters (Buehler, May, and Gonsolin) to injury, the suspension of a fourth (dipshit extraordinaire Julio Urias), and the scheduling quirk of a week off between games, and while these things are all valid to varying degrees, they are still ultimately just excuses. Champions face “adversity”, and the Dodgers did not get it done. As Braves manager Brian Snitker pointed out after his own team’s similar ouster (and I hate that he’s right): “it didn’t seem to bother the Astros.”

I did the math after Game 3. The Dodgers’ starters earned run average for the series was a comically bad 28.54. Not a single Dodger fan actually believed that Lance Lynn (who led MLB in home runs surrendered, 48) was gonna get us to game 4. Even if Lynn had succeeded, could we really believe that Clayton Kershaw was finally going to assert postseason dominance? You’d have to be an idiot to believe that. Hope it, sure, but don’t be naive.

Speaking of Kershaw, his performance in this season’s annual October shenanigans has to tarnish his legacy. Yes, he is unquestionably one of the greatest regular season pitchers of all time. 210-92 with an record-setting 2.48 career ERA. He is 88 strikeouts away from 3000 in his career; he has been completely dominant. In the postseason, he is 13-13 with a 5.79 ERA. That’s on par with legends like Ken Schrom and Darren Dreifort. How can he actually ascend the Mt. Rushmore of great Dodgers pitchers with a postseason record like that? Who are we kicking off? Koufax? Hershiser? Valenzuela? Podres? Drysdale? I love Clayton Kershaw, and any conversation that he isn’t the greatest regular season pitcher of the last decade is just absurd or willfully hateful, but those postseason numbers are no fluke. Is there a stranger career than Kershaw’s at this point? A first ballot Hall of Famer who inspired absolute dread for his own fans in the postseason?

I don’t want to go too hard on K, though. As much as his Game One performance was a towel shot to the nuts, our boys Freddie Freeman and Mookie Betts went 1-21 combined in the series. These are two guys who have not shied away from the postseason spotlight; both are world champions already, and they flat out stunk. Betts is 3-32 in his last two postseasons combined. Freeman’s only hit was a hustle infield single. Thanks for hustling, dude, but that is small consolation. I will be haunted until spring by Freeman watching that 82 mph breaking ball go past him in Game 2.

ALCS: Texas Rangers v. Houston Astros

Personally, I cannot imagine a less likable showdown than these two squads from the Lone Star State. We all though it was sooo groovy that we were finally gonna have a postseason without the Yankees or Red Sox in it, and instead we get dueling former Giants managers. I’d long ago reached my zenith of toleration for Bruce Bochy’s Wild Card extravaganzas, but watching him do it with Corey Seager, Nate Eovaldi, Josh Sborz, Andrew Heaney, and Max Scherzer makes me want to walk into the sea. I wonder who feels sicker: me over Corey Seager, or Cardinals fans over Adolis Garcia? On principle, I cannot root for a Bruce Bochy-led Wild Card team.

So, what am I gonna do? Root for Dusty Baker’s Astros? Loathsome. That toothpick-twirling, rubber glove-wearing, bullpen-wrecking traitor. Let’s not act like Dusty Baker is some noble symbol of returning dignity for Houston… never forget the absolute pig-dog this dude presided over, tolerated, and even encouraged. To hell with Baker, to hell with the Astros (as if I need to explain that any further), I cannot even watch this series.

NLCS: Arizona Diamondbacks v. Philadelphia Phillies

That is Ken Kendrick, managing partner of the Arizona Diamondbacks. It’s appropriate that he looks vaguely like a slug, because he behaves vaguely like an invertebrate. Way back in 2013, this person harassed a group of Dodgers fans that were sitting behind home plate. To summarize, Kendrick didn’t like that Dodger fans were sitting in view of the center field cameras (the ones most commonly seen throughout a broadcast), and forced them to either change out of their Dodgers gear or move to different seats. I know, based on how ESPN and MLB Network have been gushing about the way Philadelphia conducted itself during the LDS against Atlanta (more on that momentarily), that pettiness is popular in baseball right now, but I cannot abide. When organizations are harassing fans, or blocking ticket sales to people in certain zip codes, that organization is garbage. Also, why a build a swimming pool if you aren’t gonna have company over to use it? Kendrick might be slug-like, but his team are a bunch of glorified worms (also invertebrates), and there is no chance I will ever root for them.

As for Philadelphia… ok I get it, a rowdy crowd is good for TV, and it’s generally good, clean, fun. The Orlando Arcia situation was largely the media’s creation, and frankly, I do not blame the Phillies or their fans for capitalizing on it. I stand with Kevin Gausman on the issue (certainly the first time I’ve ever stood with Gausman), when he said, “it’s ridiculous us players would have to watch what we say in OUR clubhouse.”

That said, it seems like putting up signage or video that is not coming organically from fans, that is cultivated by the organization itself, is petty. Think back to the “crying Kershaw” meme in San Diego. The baseball gods have a way of punishing these things. Garrett Stubbs should pause a moment to recognize that his boys still have to win two more rounds.

“Fuck the Bravos, and whoever the fuck we play next, and always the Mets” pic.twitter.com/lJDNMPLZWA

— Jomboy Media (@JomboyMedia) October 13, 2023

Again, I get this was mostly created by the media, who have convinced themselves that baseball isn’t glorious enough without garbage like this, but unlike Arcia, Stubbs is doing this for the benefit of the camera. I mean, who isn’t a fan of laughing at the Mets, but this was a stray bullet. Petty, dude. You won. The Mets are cleaning up beer cans in the beach house before the Braves and Dodgers get there. Calling out the Mets at a time like that shows that you maybe oughta charge the Mets some rent. Dude, you’re a backup catcher. You didn’t even make an appearance in the series.

So, we’ve got two loathsome organizations, two petty organizations. Not a shred of decency left in the whole lot. Baseball has, once again, left me depressed and empty. It’s not easy being so fair and balanced. Spring training is 151 days away…

The Los Angeles Dodgers slouched to a 73-89 record in 1987, “good enough” for 4th place in the NL West. When the door shut on the odious ’87 campaign, in which the San Francisco Giants and St. Louis Cardinals duked it out for National League Supremacy (horrendous), Dodgers’ GM Fred Claire got busy fixing the team for the 1988 season. Without question, his biggest acquisition that offseason was the soon-to-be-immortalized-in-Dodgers-lore Kirk Gibson, thanks in no small part to a bit of good fortune thrust upon Los Angeles from the baseball gods. However, a little-noticed transaction during that doomed and gloomy 1987 campaign would prove to be almost as fortuitous.

The date was August 29, 1987. Rick Honeycutt, future Dodgers pitching coach, was flushed to the Oakland A’s for the always infamous player to be named later (or, PTBN). Eight days later, September 6, the PTBN made his major league debut for the Los Angeles Dodgers, earning a win, in two innings of relief, in a 2-3, 16-inning slog with the briefly mighty New York Mets. That PTBN was named Tim Belcher.

Belcher finished out 1987 in AAA, posting a 2.38 ERA with a record of 4-2 in 6 games (5 starts). In 1988, Claire, impressed with Belcher’s fiery demeanor and obvious talent, called PTBN up to the big club to be a part of the starting rotation.

I would like to take only a brief moment to celebrate the absolute perfection, to my eight year-old brain, of a man named Tim Belcher really existing.

Winter of 1987, leading to the spring of 1988: Fred Claire worked very hard over the winter, bringing Mike Davis and Kirk Gibson in on free agent contracts. Davis chose the Dodgers over the Yankees because the Dodgers offered him $1.95 million, slightly more than Bombers*. Claire also orchestrated a massive three-team trade with Oakland and the Mets (those guys again) to bring Alfredo Griffin, Jesse Orosco, and Jay Howell into the fold.

How do I know, with the exception of signing 1988 National League MVP Kirk Gibson (I will never get tired of pointing that out), the move to get Belcher was Claire’s best move of 1987?

Mike Davis (1988):

• .196 avg, 2 HR, 17 RBI, and a shockingly bad .260 OBP. Davis would be out of baseball after the 1989 campaign, at the age of 30. He did draw one incredibly underrated base on balls in Game One of the 1988 World Series, but I digress.

Alfredo Griffin (1988):

• .199 avg, 7 SB (from a guy who stole 24, 33, and 26 the previous 3 years), a below league average fielding percentage at shortstop, and a hideous .259 OBP. He did make one very brilliant, clutch fielding play in the NLCS, but I digress.

Jesse Orosco (1988):

• A perfectly good 2.72 ERA in 55 relief appearances, 9 saves (in the pre-Bobby Thigpen days), and the inadvertent fire-lighting under the team’s ass when he put eye black inside Kirk Gibson’s hat. He didn’t throw a single pitch in the 1988 World Series, but I digress.

Jay Howell (1988):

• No slouch at all. Howell led the team with 21 saves in 1988, and improved his ERA from 5.89 to 2.08. Howell also got shit-canned in the NLCS for being caught with a foreign substance on his glove**. He locked down a save in Game 4 of the World Series, in support of Tim Belcher, but only after surrendering a walk-off HR to one Mark McGwire in Game 3.

Tim Belcher (1988):

• 12-6, 2.91 ERA (27 starts) , 1.08 WHIP, 5 complete games, 4 saves… and a 3-0 record in the postseason, including a WS Game 1 victory over the heavily favored Oakland A’s. Yes, his WS era was 6.23, but I digress.

Belcher would also be named Sporting News Rookie Pitcher of the Year for 1988. Not bad at all for a PTBN getting paid $78,000.

Belcher was absolutely indispensable for the Dodgers for the next three seasons, finishing top 10 in Cy Young voting during his sophomore campaign, when he compiled a 15-12 record in 30 starts, leading the National League with 10 CG and 8 shutouts. Overall, he went 50-38 in his Dodgers tenure, throwing 21 complete games and carrying a career ERA to that point of 2.99. It is further remarkable that Belcher did not join the list of pitchers who had their arms mutilated by Tommy Lasorda.

After the Dodgers lost the NL West on the final day of the 1991 season, GM Fred Claire set out once again to ensure that his team would not stay down for long. On November 27, 1991, Claire traded Belcher and John Wetteland to the Cincinnati Reds for Darryl Strawberry’s “best friend”, Eric Davis. I was absolutely delighted. If you look on the back of any baseball card from that era, you will understand why. The Dodgers were about to sport an outfield of Eric Davis, Brett Butler, and Darryl Strawberry. My own personal Murderer’s Row, and it was really happening!

Belcher, however, was “baffled”. He expressed concern that Claire was being too arrogant in assuming players would naturally want to play for the Dodgers (editor’s note: any player worth their salt does). Furthermore, Belcher was compelled to comment on his now former team’s roster:

“This puts them up against the 8-ball as far as getting anything for Kal (Daniels). And the pitching staff is in a state of flux. It seems like Fred’s put himself in a position of weakness with further moves, I think. But, the Dodgers have a lot of resources and it’s not unlikely they’ll get something done to fill the voids in a short period of time.”

Belcher proved to be mistaken and prescient: Eddie Murray signed with the Mets, Mike Morgan walked prior to the season and won 16 games for the Cubs. Eric Davis played 184 games in 2 seasons with the Dodgers, hitting a total of 19 home runs, and was shipped out to Detroit halfway through the 1993 season. The 1992 Dodgers lost 99 games, and were saddled the added humiliation of opening 1993 against the expansion Florida Marlins, on the road, as a reward for being the previous season’s worst team. They lost, 6-3, to 185 year-old knuckleballer Charlie Hough. The Dodgers did not get something done to fill the void. In fact, the entire decade of the 1990s proved to be one of the oddest periods in LA baseball history. Was it all the Curse of Tim Belcher?

For his part, Belcher did not thrive outside of Los Angeles. He had two highly average years in Cincinnati, going 24-20. His lowest ERA outside of Los Angeles was 3.92 (for the Royals in 1996), and he lost a league-worst 15 games for the Detroit Tigers in a strike-shortened 1994. After leaving Cincinnati, he went 72-82. Did he get Tommy’d after all? No one wins this pissing contest.

Surely, Belcher returned to Dodger Stadium a few times throughout his career, particularly during his time with the Reds. However, if we’re being totally honest, and of course we are, this is the true homecoming, the cherry on top of the PTBN sundae known as Tim Belcher.

June 5, 1999. Belcher’s last full season in the majors:

Seriously, Tim? The Angels!?

Until next time, readers. Enjoy this NL West race.

*consider this in today’s context.

**Gotta love these announcers saying Howell accidentally picked up Alejandro Pena’s glove, then immediately knowing how absurd that is.

Massive props and full credit to baseball-reference.com, the New York Times archives, and the incomparable Ken Gurnick.

This recap is happening under the grim pallor of the Celtics’ Game 4 performance in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. That series, tied now at 2 games apiece, returns to Boston in approximately 60 minutes from the time of this writing. Here is hoping Jayson Tatum, 4th place finisher in the NBA MVP voting, finds it in his soul to attempt a layup as time expires, should the need arise. Here is further hoping that the need does not. Kick-outs to Marcus Smart are strictly forbidden.

There is much hullabaloo on the Boston Globe’s Celtics’ comment section that coach Joe Mazzulla deserves much or all of the blame for not calling a timeout after the Harden 3-point basket in OT. I do not disagree that he probably should have (shoot, he even admits he should have, in hindsight). However, to plagiarize commenter Poemasatree (trust me, he’s cool with it), I think much blame belongs to the team. Tatum needs to take those shots and get fouled, stop the clock, sink the free throws, and send us home. Even if he doesn’t get the foul call at the end of regulation (and I’d be willing to bet one thousand dollars he would have), we’re not worse off then we ended up anyhow, and a contested Jayson Tatum layup is always a better shot than a Marcus Smart three-point attempt. Marcus Smart is not Ray Allen.

To be fair to Smart, he did sink the 3 at the end of overtime, but MVP candidate Tatum should still be the one taking that shot, and he definitely should be aware that he didn’t have enough to time to dish out and have Smart get it off in time. The Celtics wasted 8-9 seconds just getting the ball up court.

Historical playoff choke artist James Harden is absolutely the reason that Philadelphia has won the two games they have, and I am not as confident as some that a collapse is forthcoming.

At this moment, I have a confession: There is a part of me, deep down, that hopes the Lakers beat the Warriors so that the Celtics get a chance to flush those turds themselves. Winner gets banner number 18.

Speaking of turds: Draymond Green is the worst.

MLB: What is going on with the Cardinals?

They are 13-24 as of this writing (nothing to be sad about, in my view, those devious birds), dead last place in the NL Central, a division that should have been, and traditionally has been, theirs for the winning.

The Redbirds started the season with Jordan Walker, a 20 year-old top rated prospect, switching from third base (where Nolan Arenado stands entrenched) to the outfield. He opened the season with a 12-game hit streak (March 30-April 12) and was hitting .319 on April 13th. By April 23rd, he was optioned to Triple A Louisville to allow the oft-injured tandem of Tyler O’Neill and Lars Nootbaar a platoon. It is true that Walker was “slumping” in comparison to his red hot start, but sending a guy down after 74 at-bats and a 12-game hit streak seems odd. Odder still, the reason the Cardinals gave for Walker’s demotion was a logjam of outfielders. It isn’t entirely out of the ordinary for the young kid with minor league options left to get the short end of the demotion stick when there is a positional logjam, but O’Neill is currently residing on the DL, and the Cardinals haven’t promoted Jordan Walker again.

What they’ve done instead is move catcher Willson Contreras and his 5-year, 87 million dollar contract to the… outfield. Contreras is not a young, inexperienced third baseman learning the outfield. He is a well-above-average hitting catcher who was anointed the replacement to the despicable but undeniably legendary Yadier Molina. He is currently being scapegoated by Cardinals manager Oli Marmol for the Cardinals odious performance, due to his inability to duplicate Yadier Molina’s work behind the plate. Marmol seems to have made a habit out of scapegoating his players, which I guess makes sense in a way, as they are the ones on the field losing games. First, it was Tyler O’Neill, who Marmol benched for insufficient hustle. Then, it was poor Jordan Walker, sent down because the Cardinals needed to make room for an outfielder with negative WAR. Now, Willson Contreras is moving to that same crowded outfield, and the Cardinals now have a player who is even further from Molina behind the plate. It doesn’t make sense, and I find it hard to imagine Marmol being able to pass the buck much longer before he gets canned. Hopefully it happens around the time he’s managed to steer the Cardinals to about 92 losses.

As if the NL Central couldn’t be more upside down, the g-danged Pittsburgh Pirates currently reside at the top of the standings. The Bob Nutting-owned Pittsburgh Pirates. I hate Bob Nutting, but I have to point something out: will you look at what happens when a team, owned by a complete lowlife cheapskate, does the bare minimum and tries at least to retain their own homegrown players? The Pirates recently invested in long-term contracts for Bryan Reynolds (who ended 2022 demanding a trade; how quickly things change) and Ke’Bryan Hayes to $186 million worth of long-term contracts, are currently engaged in talks with Mitch Keller on an extension, and brought former MVP and Pirate royalty Andrew McCutcheon back into the fold. I’m not making the case that Bob Nutting isn’t a lowlife cheapskate, but look at how the baseball gods have smiled on even a modicum of effort to compete. Will it last? Unlikely, but I really hope it does, because to hell with the Cardinals.

Speaking of small-market teams doing things the right way, is there anything more glorious than watching Tampa Bay rally off 13 consecutive wins to start the season (currently standing at 29-9) while the mighty New York Yankees reside in the AL East cellar? After consecutive win number 10, I texted a few of my A’s fans buddies and asked them if they are rooting for Tampa Bay, or if they are angry, because it just goes to show how much BS Oakland A’s owner John Fisher’s song and dance actually is.

Then, there’s this guy:

He can say the chant didn’t bother him. I assure you it did. Nobody cares enough to go out of their way to prove they don’t care unless they care very deeply. I absolutely hope it did bother him, because he bothers me.

The Padres got a bit of comeuppance after beating the Dodgers 33% of the time and parading around like they won the World Series, even posting a picture of Clayton Kershaw crying on the Jumbotron while they chanted, “Beat LA”. First of all, this chant… it just isn’t the sick burn you think it is. It originated in the 1980’s with Boston Celtics fans, who chanted it during a Celtics/Pistons playoff game in 1988. The Garden faithful were making chicken salad out of our playoff loss to the loathsome Pistons by encouraging them to, at least, beat the Lakers in the Finals. It was originally meant as a sign of solidarity. Second, dude, no one chants “beat the Padres”. Finally, don’t copy the copiers and do what Giants fans do. I’m almost (almost) offended on SF’s behalf that these ringless jerks would even try to step to the Dodgers as rivals. Sorry, San Diego, there is only one rivalry in Los Angeles, and it is certainly not with the Padres. Dodgers fans call Petco Park “Dodger Stadium South”. Padres brass knows it, too, which is why the literally banned people from outside San Diego’s area code from buying tickets to the playoff series last year. We just wanna squeeze your chubby wittle cheeks and pat you on your heads. In other words, you just don’t send us, babies.

But, I digress a bit. The Dodgers ended up taking 2 out of three from the Padres, despite Tatis Jr.’s usual Dodger-killing antics (2 very long home runs in game 1). Another series approaches this weekend, from Dodger Stadium Dodger Stadium, in Los Angeles. The Dodgers currently sit atop the NL West at 23-15, Padres are 19-18, and I predict will be below .500 come Monday morning.

Professional Wrestling: Briefly, Nick Aldis has returned to Impact to challenge new World Champion Steve Maclin. I haven’t been this excited about anything on Impact in a very, very long time. I should know not to get to too excited, as the returns of EC3 and Eric Young were lackluster, for sure. Nick Aldis is a different breed though.

Now…

After Roman Reign’s successful titles defense against Cody Rhodes at WrestleMania (you can go read about it below, if you haven’t yet), the former has been drafted full time to Friday Night Smackdown and left Raw without an official World Champion. Technically, this has been the case for months, as Reigns was only appearing on Fridays, anyhow. The dearth of a world heavyweight champion on Raw created an opening for guys like Seth Rollins and Austin Theory to establish the United States Championship as the primary championship on Mondays, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. Rollins has stopped being interesting, and Austin Theory, while glorious, is not yet established enough to elevate a championship. Even if Theory was established to the point where he was elevating the belt instead of the belt elevating him, it is still the United States championship, and that will never be perceived as a title equal to, let alone greater than, a world championship. This predicament was rendering Monday Night Raw, Vince McMahon’s flagship program for 30 years, as the B show.

WWF decided to book Roman Reigns in two separate matches on a single night at the upcoming Night of Champions Pay-Per-View, emanating objectionably from Saudi Arabia. On this night, Roman Reigns is obligated to defend both straps, since he is the reigning champion on both shows. Intercontinental Champion Gunther and United States Champion Austin Theory will get shots for the titles on their respective brands, and a coin toss will determine who gets to go second. After a grueling match with either secondary champ, Reigns would truly have to be a Universal Champion to successfully defend his other title immediately proceeding the first match. If Roman loses the first match, a championship match between the winner of that match and the other opponent will be scheduled for the next PPV. If Reigns loses the second match, he will still look very strong, considering it took what was essentially a head start for his second opponent to beat him. He still retains one title, defends it on Smackdown, and Raw has a champion (whoever it is) that can claim they beat Roman Reigns and is therefore a legitimate champion. A tournament will then be held for the vacated secondary title and a new contender’s pool will form.

Oh wait, that is not what happened (save the part about a PPV in Saudi Arabia).

Instead, the World Wrestling Federation has decided to just… create a new World Heavyweight Championship belt. There is a tournament underway to determine who will fight for the newly minted title at Night of Champions in Saudi Arabia. No one will even have to fight Roman Reigns. This is the absolute manifestation of a consolation prize, and it’s also kinda hideous:

There is a scintilla of the old WCW World Heavyweight Championship we all love, but that logo in the middle is atrocious.

So, that’s lame on two levels already. Now, let’s discuss the bracket:

So we’ve got two guys who didn’t even have a match at WrestleMania, suddenly worthy of a spot in a tournament of contenders (Bobby Lashley and the Miz, because that garbage with Snoop Dogg does not count as a match)? We’ve got two more guys who haven’t wrestled in months (Styles and Nakamura), and one guy who lost a match to a pop star (Priest). Theory deserves a spot in the tournament, the reason rests on his left shoulder, but where is Gunther? Why is the first round triple-threat matches? Cody Rhodes had a great showing at WrestleMania, he certainly is worthy of seeding, but should he win, how does this complete his “story”? This is not the belt that his father couldn’t win. This isn’t the belt that he stabbed all his AEW confidantes in the back to pursue. Cody’s a smart guy, I’m sure he could make the argument that being the first to hold this brand new championship is the beginning of his own legacy, but is that really even true? Haven’t you been NWA World Heavyweight Championship, as your father before you? Wasn’t that the culmination of your legacy?

I appreciate WWF’s mission to have a major championship on both shows, but whoever wins this tournament will still be in Roman Reign’s shadow. But then again, aren’t we all?