Tag: review

Brief Film Review: Deathstalker

Conan the Barbarian was crucified in the desert. As he hung from the cross, a vulture, who thought it saw the writing on the wall, landed on Conan and attempted to peck out the Cimmerian’s eyes. Conan bit that glorified turkey’s neck and spit out the feathers. The vulture was correct; someone was about to die.

As I watched Deathstalker, I was constantly reminded of Conan. The swords, the magic, the well-built and scantily-clad men and women. Mostly though, I was wishing I could trade places with the crucified Barbarian, only happy to asphyxiate and let the vulture peck my eyes out, just to make sure I never have to watch Deathstalker again.

I love the all things “sword and sorcery”. The genre is written on my DNA. Masters of the Universe and Thundercats were appointment viewing in my youth. When I hit middle school, I used to scurry off with the “cooler” teenagers who listened to metal to play Dungeons & Dragons, a game that was absolutely forbidden in my own household as a doorway to satanism (wait… were my folks right all along?). I can still envision the ratty notebook where we kept all our adventures (and hit points) written down. In my teens, I found classics like Beastmaster and the Conan films, and Star Wars, my favorite film saga of all time, which if we’re being honest, is essentially “He-Man in space”. To be fair, Masters of the Universe is also “He-Man in space”.

I have no delusions that these films are “good”, but I swear they are undeniably great. All that is is required to make them is a very standard plot about some magical object (an amulet, goblet, dagger, emerald, etc.) and an evil wizard who covets/steals them. Sometimes, the magical object is a princess or daughter that must be sacrificed or rescued. I think this is the general plot of Deathstalker, but most of the time, I felt like I was in an ethereal, formless, fever dream. Why is that exceptionally buffed man swinging from a chandelier?

This question is just the tip of the iceberg. I have others. The wizard, Munkar, has established an underground hideout where heathens from all around convene to drink, fight, and bang. It is here that he detains the captured princess, Codille (played by the legendary Barbi Benson). Munkar, that scoundrel, holds a contest among the patrons for what ostensibly seems to be the right to sexually assault Codille. Our hero, the titular Deathstalker, sits in the back of the bar and nurses a drink for a solid five minutes during the rape extravaganza, and even prevents his female friend (the absolutely ravishing Lana Clarkson) from rescuing the princess. When Deathstalker finally intervenes and breaks the captive princess’ chains, she runs back to her holding cell (instead of the f out of there), and a full rape orgy ensues. Seriously, all the patrons, men and women, simultaneously begin a “game” of sexual assault tag. There is not a single willing female participant. So this begs the question: why? I understand the need to cram plenty of exposed flesh and bared bosoms into this film, but why couldn’t the females be willing participants?

Munkar then uses his evil sorcery to… turn his male toady into an exact (and I mean exact) replica of Princess Codille and sends him/her into the fray to assassinate Deathstalker. Deathstalker responds to this dastardly attempt on his life by RAPING the male Princess Codille, a gruesome act only interrupted when the man’s voice returns as the magic wears off. EEEEEEESH.

Any enjoyment that is normally derived from the bosoms and banality in these types of films is stripped away by this horrendous directorial decision.

Another question: what is the point of Lana Clarkson’s “armor”? Not only does she NOT wear it into her only battle (which she summarily loses), but it’s entirely impractical. Perhaps that is why Deathstalker tried to prevent her from entering the fray? Oh yeah, when I say, she doesn’t wear it, I don’t mean that she wears different armor, I mean she wears nothing but a cape.

This movie has everything it needs to be awesome. A pretty epic soundtrack accompanies all the standard things a fantasy movie such as this requires. The problem is, none of those things are done well, even on a “so bad it’s good” level. Seriously, the sword-clanging sound effects are comically bad; they sound like someone putting their spoons into the silverware drawer. In a genre lousy with paper-thin plots and dripping with cliches’, Deathstalker shines for its lack of plot and shattering those cliches’ in the absolute worst way.

I wonder what Benson and Clarkson thought would become of their careers when they made this film. Did they sincerely think it would be a launching pad? It’s hard not to feel badly for them after watching this.

There exists a Deathstalker II. I cannot wait to watch it. Stay tuned for the review.

Oh yeah, one last thing: I have rid myself of all social media owned by an evil, soulless, bootlicking billionaire. I can only be found here or on Bluesky. Here (as in right where you are now), or here: https://bsky.app/profile/poemasatree.bsky.social

If you’re really interested in following my mundanity, I can also be found on..

Letterboxd: https://letterboxd.com/Poemasatree/

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4163099

BandCamp: https://thebrownnote.bandcamp.com/album/lemons

or, Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/malonegba

Be excellent to each other and party on, dude.

Triple Brief Reviews

This person, me, reading this book, is like a member of the choir being preached to by his pastor. I’ve enjoyed The Young Turks (TYT) since the grainy, public access-y early days of Christian side hugs during the Bush era. I rode with author Cenk Uygur through his Al-Jazeera and MSNBC stints, I have volunteered for Wolf-pac.com (and I cannot encourage you enough to do the same, more on that momentarily), and I canvassed Modesto as a member of Alison Hartson’s campaign to unseat the odious Dianne Feinstein in 2016. I am steeped in TYT. I mention this only to demonstrate that I am absolutely biased towards the author of this book.

I wish I could get this book into the hands of the people who are not steeped in TYT and Cenk Uygur, the people who haven’t heard of him, or, even better, find him objectionable. Uygur’s explanation of media powers and motivation (spoiler: they aren’t objective reporters of truth), why Democrats have lost so much support in a country that is otherwise progressive, and where power actually lies (spoiler: not in the hands of marginalized demographics or immigrants) are undeniably persuasive and powerful. Uygur does not hide his disdain for right-wing MAGA thought, so it will be very hard to break through the cognitive dissonance happening with that 30% of the population, but it is not the media’s job to be neutral spectators. Rather, it is to call out injustice and speak truth to and about power. The feeling you have that something isn’t right, that we’re being hosed, is not unreasonable. You’re right; but don’t look down, don’t look across the table, look up. Who benefits from the status quo? Who has proven to be a fantastic return on investment for the oligarchs? What motivates corporations? Why does the media try so hard to malign policies that help people, or act like centrism is a politician’s highest virtue?

Wolf-pac.com

Get money out of politics and end legalized bribery. We are working to call a convention to amend the constitution to eliminate dark money and establish publicly-funded elections.

Brief Record Review: Kim Gordon, The Collective

Your humble narrator has been anticipating this one for quite some time. The dissolution of Sonic Youth is an absolute tragedy, but all the members have continued to soldier on individually, creating some of the best music of the 21st century. I haven’t decided if the notion that the old heads from SY are lapping the pack is a bad sign for where music is headed, but I’m also 44 years old, so the new stuff isn’t for me, anyhow.

Thurston Moore’s 2020 record Beyond the Fire was most similar to Sonic Youth’s catalog and one of the best albums I’ve ever heard (all his stuff is great, even if Demolished Thoughts makes me feel a little icky), Lee Ranaldo’s work is the weirdest, heaviest, acid-trippiest of the solo efforts (check out In Virus Times or his work with Mdou Moctar), and Kim Gordon has been on fire with Body/Head. As far as I know, this is her first “solo” work since the end of Sonic Youth, and it was worth the wait.

Kim Gordon’s contributions to Sonic Youth were dissonant lullabies, songs like “Bull in the Heather” and “Star Power” served as twinkling interludes between Ranaldo’s and Moore’s almost industrial assault. Her vocal delivery is equal parts coy whisper, children’s story time, and riot grrl wail. She’s unbelievably hip, fashionable, and everyone’s punk rock spiritual mother. So many badass ladies (Kat Bjelland, Kathleen Hanna, and Annie Clark, to name a few) have walked in her footsteps, but none have been as effortlessly cool.

This brings me to The Collective. Right off the bat, Gordon jumps out of the speakers (or even better, some decent, over-the-ear headphones) with “BYE BYE”, a mellow hip-hop song that somehow ends like “Pleasant Valley Sunday” without ever jerking you out of the vibe. I love this song, and would have absolutely worn it out in my “music for studying” playlist era. The whole record rows down this same river. “I Don’t Miss My Mind” seemed somehow familiar to me, like I’d heard it and loved it already, even though that is impossible. “Trophies” sounds like what would happen if Tune-Yards collaborated with King Buzzo for a song. I don’t know if I am personally capable of praising a track any more highly than that. “Shelf Warmer” had me nodding my head and making that angry metal face that you sometimes have to make when a track hits hard. Dude, it’s Kim Gordon. I love her.

Check out the music video for “BYE BYE”, starring Kim’s daughter, Coco. Then go to Bandcamp or a locally owned record shop and make the right decision:

Brief Film Review: When Evil Lurks

DOOD. That was one of the most harrowing movies I’ve watched in a long time.

You should know, this film was made in Argentina and is sub-titled in English. I was unaware of this going in (not sure how I didn’t know), and I almost talked myself out of watching it, but hooo whee, I am glad I chose to stick with it. In fact, I think the fact that it was made outside of the US is part of what made it so disturbing. Americans have some squeamish sensibilities, and maybe have come to expect certain storytelling devices or tropes. This film dispenses with those sensibilities and tropes in a hurry.

The first thing did as the credits rolled was turn to my wife and utter, “I think that movie was way better than Hereditary.”

Take a good look at that preview poster above. Then, go watch When Evil Lurks. Come back here after viewing it and see if you can look at that poster passively again.

Normally, I include the movie preview with my reviews here, but in this instance, I want you to go into the viewing with as little as possible prior knowledge or expectations. Just promise me you’ll watch it.

9/10

Until next time, lovely readers. Enjoy baseball season.