Lovely, lovely readers, it is so good to be back.

When last we spoke, I was embarking on two simultaneous journeys. The nature of journeys is that you can really only embark on one at a time, so I spent a great deal of 2025 completing one journey at the expense of the other. I will not describe the rather drab details of 2025, but it will suffice to say that I have completed a journey. I am once again in possession of expendable time and income, and I intend to complete my tribute to Aerosmith (you can find the first edition here), to focus more of my expendable time on other people’s arts and efforts and critique them accordingly, as if I have any room to talk.

I am here today to rant about pro wrestling. Pro wrestling is a glorious amalgamation of sports, theater, and drag; a living, breathing comic book that never ends. When it is done well, it can make you forget about its characteristics, suspend your disbelief, and believe in these characters. At their best, the performers become their characters. Tom Hanks will never sign an autograph as Forrest Gump, and you would never expect him to. However, you have no interest in Terry Bollea, Steve Williams, or Phil Brooks. You want to shake hands with and cheer for Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, and CM Punk.

When pro wrestling is not so good, it can be very hard to watch, even for a fan: cringey, clearly phony, and out of touch with what any decent person would find funny, cool, or entertaining. Too often, the modern World Wrestling Federation (I will never, ever say “E”) has fallen into this camp. I am regularly disappointed or bored at the conclusion of WWF television events, and those feelings are intensified after PLEs (fka PPVs)*. You might be asking an obvious question at this moment: why do I watch? Dear reader, don’t you think I’ve asked myself this question about four dozen times? It’s because I know that the next episode, PLE, or ESPN special will be the one that delivers the feeling I’ve been chasing since I was 7, when I first started loving wrestling. That classic, must-see moment that sets the next era in motion, that affects the whole universe and lives forever in infamy, is going to happen this time. Or at least, it will be good in the way described above.

I watched Elimination Chamber 2026 in this ever-hopeful state of mind.

First up, the Women’s Elimination Chamber Match:

The winner of this match will be granted a championship match against Jade Cargill at what is shaping up to be a fairly underwhelming WrestleMania. At least it will not be Becky Lynch (more on that, later). Rhea Ripley ultimately emerged victorious, a predictable ending. It just makes sense for Rhea to win, as Ripley v. Cargill has that big match energy. I know it will not happen, but the Federation should definitely build up Cargill’s dominant run in AEW, framing the fight as a bash between the “queens” of two divisions finally coming head-to-head. Instead of this natural heat, corny drama will be wedged into a fight that should be able to sell itself. Some further observations:

• Kiana James’ performance. Her strategy of bull-rushing the competitor’s chamber as it opened was a believable tactic. Is Kiana James good, or is the female wrestling bar incredibly low? I found myself rooting for her.
• Please. No more handspring elbows. They never look good. Two full-speed, high-effort backflips, followed by a half-assed final flip into a corner elbow. They suck, and both James and Tiffany Stratton attempted them within minutes of each other. If you want to impress me, try a suplex.
• In fact, this reminds me of what I think the problem with women’s wrestling is. Too much punching and kicking, not enough wrestling. These girls are pulling punches and flipping around, but almost none of it looks like it really hurts.
• The Chicago crowd did not seem to care about this match. Opening the card with the AJ v. Lynch match would have been a better choice, as fans were far more invested in that match, and it would have gotten the fires burning.

AJ Lee v. Becky Lynch:

AJ Lee wins the Women’s Intercontinental Championship. A pretty standard Becky Lynch match, which means:

• Becky Lynch is obscenely overrated. She chews scenery in a fashion on par with Nicholas Cage’s reputation. She simultaneously oversells and pulls punches. She’s quick to accurately point out that ESPN and the Bleacher Report have called her the best female wrestler working today, but those magazines are wrong.
• That said, Becky Lynch has a point. AJ Lee has been out of the company, in fact, out of the sport, for a decade. The only reason she deserved a title shot is that Becky wants an excuse to punch her. I actually understand Becky’s opinion here: it is indeed obnoxious to come back to the sport after a ten-year absence (as the Heavyweight Champion’s wife, at that) and demand a title shot.

Interlude: a commercial for digital WWE trading cards. What will I do with those?

CM Punk v. Finn Balor for the World Heavyweight Championship:

• A nice touch to add the Alan Parsons Project to CM Punk’s entrance. It made this 46-year-old teacher, who had just been espousing the GOAT-ness of Michael Jordan over LeBron James or Kobe Bryant to his students, feel very seen. I know that those junior high kids weren’t the target audience of that very Chicago-centric display, and it made me feel seen and vindicated.
• CM Punk’s jacket said “Larry Forever”. As much as I have learned to loathe CM Punk, jeez, I hope his dog is well.
• One of my viewing cohorts pointed out, very succinctly, when Finn Balor was announced at 190 pounds: “Is that a heavyweight? I thought this was supposed to be the heavyweight championship.” Again, I felt seen.
• Michael Cole continues to suck. The word is dominant, not dormant.
• CM Punk is generally a top-notch in-ring worker, but his aerial moves are absolutely hideous; some of the ugliest in the business. Compare his awkwardly flailing, almost horizontal elbow drop to the graceful flight of Randy Savage or Shawn Michaels. Furthermore, he couldn’t even dent a car’s hood with that thing. If you’re gonna be ugly, at least make it count.

Anyway… CM Punk retains after a pretty decent match. Not the classic this one could have been, but a bona fide wrestling match after all the malarkey from the female division.

Interlude: Oh sweet Jesus, no. Not Danhausen. I give the Federation grief for many things, but I never thought they would get sucked into allowing those ridiculous indie shenanigans of Danhausen onto their television programs. This is really going to suck. The Chicago crowd reacted correctly, with a combination of confusion, disinterest, and hostility. At best, the audience didn’t know who he was (the lucky ones). The few who recognized him were rightfully disheartened to see him polluting the airwaves and booed him accordingly. This is not the reaction the Federation or Danhausen were expecting (but they should have been). I’ll be not exactly “interested” to see if they continue to shove him into our faces as a fun, lovable character, if they lean into the crowd’s reaction and let him get some heat, or if they do what they should do and flush it before it makes the whole room stink.

Men’s Elimination Chamber Match

Winner gets a shot at Drew McIntyre for the WWF Championship at WrestleMania.

• Best comment of the night, during JaVon Evans’ entrance: “Oh my gosh! He’s infected!”
• I am developing begrudging respect for Logan Paul. I will positively never root for him, but I cannot deny that he has worked hard on his body and craft, and is not resting on his laurels as a YouTube star who was giving a Fast Pass ticket to the front of the main event line. He was given that pass, but he hasn’t allowed it affect his efforts, and I gotta appreciate that. I have an infinitely greater amount of respect for him than I do for the Miz, even though that isn’t saying much.
• It’s good to see new blood like Trick Williams and JaVon Evans get some main event rub. They had to earn their spots by winning qualifying matches, and that builds character legitimacy in the long run. Too often, the Federation selects a guy they like and crams him into the main event scene without his character ever paying dues. Unless you are Drew McIntyre or Austin Theory, and the whole thing about you is that you are the “chosen one” or some version of a nepo-baby, this is beneficial to the long-term arc of the characters. Nobody likes a nepo-baby or a guy who was born on third base acting like he hit a triple, so you shouldn’t book a babyface like one. JaVon Evans is still quite obviously a “chosen one” for the Fed, they’ll strap a rocket to his ass, but at least they’re making him earn it. It’s up to him to take advantage of it. The seeds for a long-running Williams/Evans feud have been planted.
• As with the Women’s Chamber match, the winner was both predictable and correct. Randy Orton has Main Event pedigree, and the fact that he is reaching the end of the road, much like AJ Styles and John Cena, is a selling point for his match. I’d love to see him at least get past Triple H in the rankings for total number of World Title reigns, and Drew McIntyre is one of the most obviously overmatched champions ever. I cannot fathom him escaping WrestleMania with the strap, unless Triple H really does dislike or resent Randy Orton, as certain internet rumors imply.

Elimination Chamber did not suck, but like the Royal Rumble and Survivor Series before it, it like a glorified episode of the weekly shows. The Federation will never go back to the old days of making PLEs scarce, but they would benefit from fewer events. This seems counter-intuitve; more episodes should mean more in-depth storytelling and epic matches. Instead, the same thing is happening to wrestling that happened to the MCU: there’s so much of it, that none of it is particularly great. Sometimes it even feels like homework. I’m gonna endure Monday Night Raw for the next 7 weeks or so, in the FOMO spirit that this will be the episode.